Hope

"Let me tell you something my friend, hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." 

                                               -Red -

I hope all day. I hope I'm busy. I hope I'm not too busy. I hope we have money. I hope the mailbox is kind to us. I hope I have enough gas to make it to cheaper gas. I hope dinner is ready. I hope for this. I hope for that. And then hope that I hoped enough. 

Hope can drive me insane. 

I don't know what I would do without hope though. Hope in people to get better. Hope in life that it'll turn around. Hope that God actually knows what he is doing. Hope in this story we are writing. 

Today I hoped the best for my little Laedin Grace as she started kindergarten. The last 5 years flew by and I can only imagine how fast the next 13 will go. 

Walking into school with her back pack on, nap mat in hand, lunch packed, hair done...she was excited and I was the nervous one. I hoped she wouldn't cry. Hoped she would look the principal in the eyes and shake his hand. Hoped she would make friends. Hoped she would eat fast enough at lunch. Hope, hope, hope. 

She did good. She put up with my endless pictures and hugs. I said goodbye 100 times, but she was already coloring. I started hoping she wouldn't forget who I was. 

I passed a lot of other parents and kids filled with the new hope a school year brings. I sat in my car, took a few deep breaths, and started driving. Hope keeps me going. She's writing an incredible story that has endless possibilities and that makes me smile. 

"Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

                                -Andy Dufresne-

Ill never stop hoping the best for her (or her sister). She's going to drive me insane with hope. I know because everyone is constantly telling me to "wait until she becomes a teenager"...but that's okay because I really do believe hope is a good thing. And she will always have her mom and dad's hope...

I hear she has to go back tomorrow and I'm already hoping it goes well!!!

The waiting room...

I went to church a lot, but I think I missed the class on doubt. 

I remember the classes on sex, drugs, and appropriate music. Baptism, worship, and tithing...check, check, and check. Been to VBS and retreats and summer camps. I know all about salvation in my particular community. I've read books from Max Lucado to Peter Rollins. Can say with ease all 66 books of the bible. Know a little about 4 part harmony and can sing "Booster Booster" very well. 

Still, I must have missed the class on doubt. 

The one where they help make sense of the doubt that creeps in when it doesn't all fit inside the box of pretty Jesus they feed you. 

The doubt that comes with an unplanned pregnancy, or with the night in jail, or with the house that won't sell even though you've "prayed about it", the doubt you'll make the next paycheck, the child that won't call and the doubt that they might not be okay, or the doubt that just comes from sitting in a waiting room and yeah...waiting. 

Don't get me wrong, I believe God is in each of the above somehow. He is God after all. But the answers we get sometimes don't ease the doubts. 

"It's God's will" or "it's all part of His plan"

I just missed the class that made those answers make sense in the midst of what seems like utter godlessness. 

Its hard for me to be the Peter that hops out of the boat in faith and walks on water. Most of the time I'm just the Peter that starts to sink with doubt. 

I doubt. I stand in the chaos of my life, and the lives I'm closest too, and ask God where he is...because sometimes I just don't see him. 

But recently nothing has brought me closer to God than wrestling with my own doubt. Releasing the need to have a fancy 3 part Jesus answer for everything and just learning to let go. That sometimes faith isn't about making sense of it all, but more about being present in it all. To be real and honest in every moment, even if that means you have doubts. Struggling with doubt doesn't make us less Christian, if anything it makes us more real. Or I guess that's how I see it. 

I'm grateful for a Jesus who understands my doubt and for a few people who will sit with me in the shit doubt inevitably brings.