After 11 years...

January 26, 2003 I drove to Aledo for my first day as a growned-up minister. Plus or minus 4,015 days later a few things have stuck with me...

God created you. So that means all of you. Happy, sad, and mad He created it all and saw that it was good. 

Certainty isn't all it's cracked up to be. 

Doubt is normal. 

I don't know is an answer. 

Karma isn't real. But I still find myself thinking it is. I just want God to like me and give me good things. 

Say thank you at the end of everyday. You grew, I promise. 

Hope is good. Have a little. 

People will always be broken, no matter how hard you try to put them back together. Keep trying. 

People will always be beautiful. They'll always surprise you if you keep at them.

Grace is deep and big. Live that way with yourself and with others. 

Being open is a must. Once you decide you have it all organized and figured out is the day you become completely irrelevant. 

Be diverse. Read things you don't agree with. Watch Fox News. Watch CNN. Eat food you've never tried. 

Have friends who are different than you. Race. Age. Sex. Political views. Religious views. Just be diverse. 

If you're going to have an opinion on something, make sure you actually have a connection to it. 

Better put: don't tell me what you think about a certain group of people if you don't actually know any of those people personally. 

Think before you speak. 

Sometimes don't think too much before you speak. 

Have friends with bald heads. I'd be lost with out my two bald-headed friends. Thank you Kevin and Craig for always being bald. And of course being there for me. 

Make friendships that last and remember they aren't just a number on Facebook. Make sure they make you better and let them teach you. (Thank you Shelley Lynn for sticking around and teaching me about life.)

Read. Then read more. 

Find out what idol you chase and tell someone about it. Then ask them to help you stop chasing something you'll never catch. 

Laugh at yourself. Trust me, you're an idiot a lot. Me too. 

Read your Bible and even forget what you think you might know about it. And please...read the Old Testament. 

Stop, sit, and drink some tea in the front yard. Trust me that work, the gym, the kid's practice, the yard, the house, and the nation will be okay. You aren't that vital. 

Go to church. Yeah, because you're supposed to. And because you need spaces like that. 

And have that one. That one person when it all goes good you can laugh with. And that same one person when it all goes to hell that you can hunker down and fight the storm with. Thank you Stacey for always laughing till it hurts with me...literally. And yes, we will hunker down again for the storm and come out laughing on the other side. Promise. 

Remeber, love wins. 

Basically after 11 years...love God and love others. The rest will take care of itself. 

I don't think I pray right...

I used to sit at Ranger games and pray. Not because I was a super spiritual child, but because I was trying to win God's favor so he would help my team win. I promised him I would be nice, clean my room, eat my vegetables, obey, or basically never do anything bad again. 

All I wanted in return was a win. 

The older I got, the more this mentality became a part of my life with God. I understood God to be weighing my choices and then determining my blessings. If something didn't go my way, then obviously God was not pleased with the choices that I had made recently. And if things went the way I needed, I hardly ever gave God much credit. Those things were mostly on me and my own awesomeness. 

Honestly, I'm just older now. Not wiser. I still have no idea what I'm doing in regards to prayer. I don't know what to ask for, when to ask for it, or even if I should ask at all. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not folding my hands right or if I forgot to close my eyes. I don't know if he listens or when he listens or even what language he speaks. God and I usually differ on how and when to answer prayers. He and I are totally at odds on who should face trials and who should get blessings. 

But I started doing a "bible study" every other Wednesday for a group of people in a nursing home. There are usually around 15-20 of them. Some of them can't speak. Some of them can't stay awake. A few cuss at me. Most of them have no idea what I'm saying or even what day it is. But still, we meet twice a month and "study". (Dementia Devotionals 401 should be a required class in seminary)

One week we read Matthew 6. Not because we wanted to exegete the Sermon on the Mount. Because I didn't plan anything that day, scrambled through my bible, didn't really care because they don't get it anyways, and landed there with Jesus talking about prayer. 

I just started reading and they started praying. I tried it again the next week. And the next. It keeps happening. More join in every week. And so for a few minutes, these mostly forgotten people, do whatever they can to say the Lord's Prayer. Even the most precious, confused, and spirited woman in the bunch...has moments of complete clarity and will almost lead us all with old school power and conviction. Then it's back to bingo, puréed diets, and hospice for us all. 

It is one of those tiny spaces between heaven and earth. Places we miss because we aren't looking or paying attention. 

God and I really aren't all that great at the moment. I'm a little (or a lot) upset with the way he's doing things. Once again he forgot to ask me my opinion on how it should go. I can't see what he's doing or why he's doing it this way. 

And I just feel like I haven't been praying right again...

But there is a group of sweet, old, and crazy people who are teaching me that praying isn't about knowing the system. It's not about karma or being good enough. It's not about being happy with life all the time. Or fully understanding what the hell is going on around you. It's not about asking for the winning run in return for a perfectly clean room. 

It's about gathering up all that you have and just showing up. As is. 

Tomorrow they'll be there at 10a. Some got there on their own. Others had to have help. Tomorrow I'm going to gather up all I have and show up as well. Broken for sure,  but looking for that tiny space between heaven and earth.