There was a moment in July or early August where I looked at Stacey and the girls and thought "welp, we did it. Made it through that!" The nights became easier to sleep. The days away became easier to handle. The fear of a leak or a bubble slowly went away. She got stronger. She started school. We are now fully into our routine: up, dressed, breakfast, work/school, home, dinner, dishes, baths, bed, repeat. June 11th seems so long ago in a lot of ways.
So naturally I believe that God should now be done with the Utley's. We learned over this last summer that we are not in control. She laid flat for 17 days and I tried my best to keep things going and we both learned...we aren't in control.
Last week I tried to make a deal with God. I tried to get him to agree to a 10 for 5. (Look, it's hospice, so I get this is horrible in ways..but I wanted 10 new admissions for 5 deaths. We are in need of one of those runs where the admissions out gain the deaths. It's business.)
Yes, I prayed for this multiple times over the last 7 days. Wanting to make God move the direction I wanted him to move. Baiting God. Trying to get him to prove he could do it.
God had until today to make good on our 10 for 5 deal. Final score: 4 admits and 6 deaths.
I'm glad God has a sense of humor.
Basically I thought I was done learning the lessons of letting go. That I received a PhD in giving up control. I thought we had come through the fire and we high-fived God and now it was time to get back to normal. It was time for things to be easy again. That we had proven our worth and somehow now God owed me some favors.
Last week I tried to turn in my "Jesus Bucks" for some patients. I had brought my bible to class, I knew the memory verse, I was dressed in my Sunday best...now God needed to give me my shiny prize.
Letting go. Giving up control. Life. Whatever you want to call it is hard. There is no promise that because your wife has 4 brain surgeries or someone steals your money from you that you'll get something awesome the next go around. I wish I could tell you something different. Trust me, it would make my job so much easier.
"The movement in our relationship to God is always from God to us. Always. We can't, through our piety or goodness, move closer to God. God is always coming near to us. Most especially in the Eucharist and in the stranger."
Nadia Bolz-Weber
This year has been crazy. This has been the hardest year of my (young) life. But despite some of my best efforts, God keeps coming closer. He shows up in the people and places that I go. He uses them to whisper "let it go" to me again and again.
I'm trying. Hang with me.