That time we had surgery. Twice.

It's 6am the morning after Stacey's 2nd surgery, this one to repair a leak in her incision. I am curled up in a chair not really meant for sleeping, so why not blog?

We found out in January this surgery was going to take place. At the time it was elective and so we decided to wait until June. We wanted to get through school, kindergarten graduation, and other fun stuff, then tackle Chiari. 

Chiari...google it. Basically her brain was compressed against her skull and spinal cord causing some severe headaches, etc. I won't go into detail, but she had a procedure last week to correct the compression. Surgery went well the first time. Then it started leaking spinal fluid when we got home and we went back in for repair surgery. She's doing better now and recovery is underway...again. 

She's honestly amazing. She's going through hell and making me laugh. She's holding my hand way more than I hold hers. She's had two surgeries, lots of pain meds, eaten a ton of not good hospital food, and she still looks beautiful in her little hospital gown. I don't know how she does it. 

Me? Idk. I try my best to hold her hand and shut up. After all, silence is better than bullshit and she has the 3 inch incision down the back of her head, not me. I try to be big and strong and all that. Then she falls asleep and I cry a little. Okay, a lot. I tell God I'm mad at him. Like really mad. I keep trying to tell him we get it...whatever "it" is...and he can go elsewhere now. I even have a list of people for him if he just asks me.  

(Yes, my theology is a load of crap in this season of suffering. I'm okay with it and I'm pretty sure he is as well.)

I just get frustrated and feel more helpless everyday. I've learned a ton about myself in the last six months. Two things stand out...1) waiting sucks and I'm not good at it and 2) I'm not good at not being in control. 

We basically hit pause on life until June 11th. Everything was about getting there. At first it wasn't so bad, but it progressively wore us down. Things became items on a check-list and the more we checked, the closer it meant surgery was. I think over the last week we attempted to stop checking off items in order to not have to do follow through with all of this. Waiting sucks. It messes people up I think. 

And it's not that I really love control (who doesn't though?), it is more that I'm comfortable in control. See problem, fix problem. Hear story, empathize with story. I'm good at it. My gift is presence. Reading a room and reacting as pastor is natural to me. It's almost robotic at times, emotions are left out and you do what you do. This is different, this is the other side. The side with a full plate of emotions and no control. 

For six months both at home and in other places I've simply been out of control. Literally I've had no control. I can't trade places with Stacey. I can't make the hurt go away. I can't take the second surgery since she took the first. I can't keep her going here and be home with my girls. Hell, I can't even get my dogs fed. There is just a lot of can'ts. I can't, I can't, I can't. I just stand and grasp and never touch anything. I feel utterly useless and suspended in a weird place. It is torture. 

I'd love to tell you about the moment God made me feel better because he made me remember that he's in control, but it hasn't really happened yet. I have no amazing story of bright lights or inspired moments in scripture. Just a couple of tired and broken souls trying to put one foot in front of the other. 

I know he is in control. Promise. I make a living on faith and hope. I know all the right answers and I still have faith and hope...I was just blessed with some healthy doubts to go with those. I know we are going to be okay. Just today, right here, it's hard. The journey just sucks today and I want to quit and go home. We are tired. We want our life back. 

She's awake now. Hopefully we can go home soon if she's feeling up to it. She wants me to take the TV remote and watch whatever I want. 

Finally I get some control...