Some days (April 1, 2015) I wish my
life was awesome like the people who I see at church on Sunday's, at Central
Market, and everywhere else. I hear their stories as I pass by them, those
people who don't have car problems or job problems or kid problems. You know
the ones I'm taking about right? They are the ones who look good when they tuck
in their shirt and have hair that can actually be brushed. That is them over
there; the ones with six figure salaries and a savings account that rivals Fort
Knox. They are way more awesomer than me.
I wish I was more like everyone else
that isn’t me. Like all the people who take chances and never ever fail at
stuff. One of the millions of humans who wake up to sunshine and rainbows
everyday. I wish I could have a page of super spectacular quotes that other
people posted as their status on Facebook. That would be so cool.
Today is one of those days I don't
really fancy being me. It's not working out like I want and I just want to be
someone else for a little while. I’d pick one of those people who has a kick
ass life all the time. Probably like yours…just not like mine today.
I can tell you how I believe I got
here: People fail. God doesn't give us everything we want. People suck. Grad
school is legit. And hospice is sad…like the “everyone I meet dies”
kind of sad.
Woe is me.
My body is tired. My hair is grayer. My
wallet is lighter. My patience is thinner. My communion is more distant. My
desire is waning.
But...
I get paid this week. Stacey kissed me
good-bye this morning. I turned 35 this year. My youngest ate all her breakfast
today. My oldest can buckle herself in. My dogs love me. My parents still claim
me. And I'm having steak for dinner tonight.
Today that little voice we all have
won. Today that voice told me I didn’t matter and I needed to be something
else. Or someone else. That if I wanted to matter, I need not be me. I have a
friend who calls it “fogging”. She says it’s the male version of PMS. Today I
fogged out big time.
Then Jensyn started singing, “Jesus
Loves Me” on the way home from school.
I am really glad God loves me. Not the
“me” that I think I need to be to make you happy or make work turn around or
home better, but the “me” that sucks and fogs every couple of weeks. The “me”
that fails and smells. I am happy that God doesn’t see Shane like I see Shane.
Seems silly to say that, but I really am. Maybe for the first time in my life I
am learning that God loves me in my present form. Sure, he wants me to be
better, do better, and live better…but today (April 1, 2015) he loves this me
right here.
Goal tomorrow: remember this earlier in
the day and get more awesome at quotes…