Fogging

Some days (April 1, 2015) I wish my life was awesome like the people who I see at church on Sunday's, at Central Market, and everywhere else. I hear their stories as I pass by them, those people who don't have car problems or job problems or kid problems. You know the ones I'm taking about right? They are the ones who look good when they tuck in their shirt and have hair that can actually be brushed. That is them over there; the ones with six figure salaries and a savings account that rivals Fort Knox. They are way more awesomer than me. 

I wish I was more like everyone else that isn’t me. Like all the people who take chances and never ever fail at stuff. One of the millions of humans who wake up to sunshine and rainbows everyday. I wish I could have a page of super spectacular quotes that other people posted as their status on Facebook. That would be so cool. 

Today is one of those days I don't really fancy being me. It's not working out like I want and I just want to be someone else for a little while. I’d pick one of those people who has a kick ass life all the time. Probably like yours…just not like mine today.

I can tell you how I believe I got here: People fail. God doesn't give us everything we want. People suck. Grad school is legit. And hospice is sad…like the “everyone I meet dies” kind of sad.

Woe is me.

My body is tired. My hair is grayer. My wallet is lighter. My patience is thinner. My communion is more distant. My desire is waning. 

But...

I get paid this week. Stacey kissed me good-bye this morning. I turned 35 this year. My youngest ate all her breakfast today. My oldest can buckle herself in. My dogs love me. My parents still claim me. And I'm having steak for dinner tonight.

Today that little voice we all have won. Today that voice told me I didn’t matter and I needed to be something else. Or someone else. That if I wanted to matter, I need not be me. I have a friend who calls it “fogging”. She says it’s the male version of PMS. Today I fogged out big time.

Then Jensyn started singing, “Jesus Loves Me” on the way home from school.

I am really glad God loves me. Not the “me” that I think I need to be to make you happy or make work turn around or home better, but the “me” that sucks and fogs every couple of weeks. The “me” that fails and smells. I am happy that God doesn’t see Shane like I see Shane. Seems silly to say that, but I really am. Maybe for the first time in my life I am learning that God loves me in my present form. Sure, he wants me to be better, do better, and live better…but today (April 1, 2015) he loves this me right here.

Goal tomorrow: remember this earlier in the day and get more awesome at quotes…