Birds, rain, and the need to create

Let's be real honest...I suck at blogging. I just refuse to find the time to do it and most of the time I have talked myself out of certain thoughts I had when I was thinking about it. My desire is strong, but the follow through is lacking.

Sometimes I don't think I have anything to write and other times I just chicken out. Sometimes I am lazy and other times I am too stubborn to do it.

Today is Wednesday, February 27th, 2019 (But actually it is now May 29th, 2019) and I decided to go through my phone and find the password to this website and start typing. I wrote the two paragraphs above at two different times in 2017 and 2018. I decided to leave them there because they mattered at that time and I want to be honest to the Shane way back there...

I spent time that week, last February, with two different people talking about the idea of rest and taking care of your soul. Each time I spoke about these ideas, I thought about this blog and my own souls desire to sit and write. To post again. To create again.

The first time was with a daughter taking care of her mom and the daughter feeling burned out. We can go and go until we have nothing to give and become no use to the people around us. I sat and suggested to her that maybe she needed to stop every so often and not do things intentionally. Maybe that laundry doesn't have to be done right now. Maybe that email can wait until tomorrow. Maybe to-do lists aren’t that great all the time. These are all things we are great at talking about, but living is another story.

Then I met a woman who is dying who finds complete joy in sitting outside in front of a heater and watching birds eat from feeders spread across the yard. She literally goes outside at the start of everyday and watches birds. Does she know a lot about birds? No. Today she told me she just likes to watch them come and go. So we sat on the porch and watched birds. We talked about her family and other things, but mostly watched birds.

A lot has happened in the months since I had those two experiences. Some things were new, others were amazing, some confused me, and some made me cry. Honestly I haven't watched birds since that day with a hospice patient in her back yard...I have been too busy distracting myself with other things.

Then it started to rain today.

It was a hard rain. The kind of rain that makes you stay where you are until it relents. No fear I had Twitter. Then Pete entertained me with weather reports. Then of course more Twitter. Anything to keep my mind occupied.

Then I realized I was sitting on the edge of my bed staring out and watching it rain. I have no idea how long I sat there before I noticed, but it felt like forever. By then the rain had slowed and it was just steady, normal-ish rain...and I was just watching it fall.

And it was good.

I have no idea if I will ever be a consistent blogger. I know that I need to figure out how to watch it rain more or learn about birds or create something brand new. I also know that distracting myself with thousands of people, places, and things makes me weary.

But I'll start by just posting this and see what happens next...

Day Eight

“So, today fast fixing things. Let the broken be broken for a day…” Alicia Britt Chole

Day Seven

I have written a few times about the Bible study I do at a nursing home in town. I really like my little old people, but sadly I may have to stop going. We don’t have any patients at this particular place and I spend a lot of time in Denton and Weatherford now. Downtown Fort Worth doesn’t make a lot of sense in terms of efficiency any more.

I arrived early today and decided to sit in my car and do my reading and journaling. Book reading was good, still like what she has to say and it focuses me for the day. The text was great today. It is my favorite story of Jesus I think…

13:1 Just before the Passover feast, Jesus knew that his time had come to depart from this world to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now loved them to the very end.  13:2 The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already put into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, that he should betray Jesus. 13:3 Because Jesus knew that the Father had handed all things over to him, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, 13:4 he got up from the meal, removed his outer clothes, took a towel and tied it around himself. 13:5 He poured water into the washbasin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to dry them with the towel he had wrapped around himself.

John 13:1-5, NET Bible

I am always impressed with the idea that Jesus washed people’s feet. I barely enjoy washing my kid’s feet and I like them way more than any of you. Yet the full extent of Jesus’ love is to get on his knees and wash some gross feet. Let’s spend an election cycle talking about feet washing and see how that goes.

Day Four, Five, and Six

I woke up this morning to horrible news…my phone’s “message app” was not working and I was unable to receive or send texts or receive phone calls. Then I tried resetting my phone and it froze. That was almost 4 hours ago now.

I am now sitting at Starbucks next to the Apple Store and wondering how the world is doing without me. These people here seem to be doing just fine, but I wonder if it is just a show. Alpha Omega has probably closed the office and sent employees home for the day. I imagine they are all waiting to hear from me once this problem is fixed.

My dad bought my sister and I our first cell phones when I was junior in college…or right before my 21^st birthday. I remember standing in line at the Sprint store in Highland Park like I was the coolest kid on the planet. I was going to be able to call anyone from anywhere at anytime. No more having to wait till I got back to my dorm to call someone. I didn’t have to find a phone if mom paged me. I would be able to talk on the phone from Abilene to Duncanville if I wanted (and dad was willing to pay). There was no way that life would become any better than that day in December when they handed us our first cell phones.

I hate my phone.

Today I have learned that this stupid device has ruined sunshine and great weather. It sucks the life out of conversations and relationships. It makes my head hurt from squinting too much. And will waste most of today.

What if one year someone actually fasted from his or her cell phone? I do not have the courage, but what if? Think back to how life probably was pre-cell phone…we woke up without knowing the news from twitter and what our friend from 3^rd grade had for dinner last night. We went to work and learned about the day once we got there. We listened to the radio and heard commercials. We paid attention better.

Maybe we spent more time with our spouses and kids…

Day Three

(Yup, I am one day behind. But I think that is why you don’t count Sunday’s in Lent…they’re the make-up day!)

I like to look at the statistic page of this blog. It shows me how many people have read each post and how many views I have received on certain days. Back in 2014 when Stacey was in the hospital it was fun to look and see all the people who were reading my words.

It became addicting in a lot of ways. I wanted to keep writing so that more people would keep reading and I could get more numbers. Sure, it was about the words and emotions behind the story of that time, but I really did like knowing the page received 350 hits in one day.  The problem became that I had run out of things to write about. I was trying really hard and when I didn’t get the amount of likes that I wanted, I just quit.

We count everything these days. So much of our self-esteem is tied to social media likes or hit counts on sites or pins. We crave attention. We crave being liked and noticed. I think a lot of that is good and normal. We were created to be social beings and having positive social interactions is always a plus, but why do we chase attention like we do?

I have no idea. I am sure I can research this, but I like to keep these short.

Today is about giving up seeking attention and giving more attention to God. Before I would preach many moons ago I would pray the prayer, “more you God and less of me”. Seems like a really spiritual thing to pray before you get up to speak about God to a group of people…but today I’d like to say it pray it again from my kitchen table, while my wife vacuums, and my kids play outside:

God, today I pray for more of you and less of me. Whatever that means and whatever it looks like, increase you and decrease me.

Day Two

The book I bought is called “40 Days of Decrease” by Alicia Britt Chole.

I have read the first two days and I give it a few thumbs up. Here is the thing though, I am not disciplined when it comes to reading, journaling, or praying. I start strong and then fade. Last year the church where we attend did a thing where they wanted the congregation to read a million verses in 2015. My contribution was to read exactly zero verses for the project. It wasn’t that I didn’t read my bible, I am sure I did, I just didn’t ever contribute to the church. I have a journal a friend gave me a few years ago and if you follow the dates that I journal it usually skips a month or two in between entries. I just do not have the discipline in my life to follow through with things like this.

All of that to say that I am proud that I read “Day Two” of the book and I hope to make it to “Day Three” before quitting. Day Two was about letting go of regrets and the Lord knows that I have plenty of those, but one that I will let go of today is the regret that I haven’t been a better disciplined follower and choose on this day to start over.

Here is to a new beginning on Day Two…