Waiting...

I guess I've never really thought much about miracles. I've been content with stories of dinner for five thousand, resurrections from the dead, and making wine out of some water. They were stories in the book and displayed on a flannel graph. Miracles happened then and they were cool. 

Today I need the miracle though. I need a graft about the size of a half dollar to seal. I need it to be strong and do what it's supposed to do. I need the stitches to hold. The needle holes to close. I need the body to do what the body does. 

I need God to hold that graft and those stitches in HIS hands. I need this miracle in the now.  

She is so tired. Her eyes are red with tears, worn out from crying. She's been poked and poked and then poked again. She hasn't washed her hair in three weeks. Hasn't held her baby girls in even longer. She needs the miracle today. She needs HIM to do what only HE can do. 

I've begged. I've kneeled. I've cried. I've ejected. I've come back. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I can't make God do what I want. No more "God if you will just do A then I will do B." No more karma.

I just want to believe God can and will fix her.  

I can't believe any harder. I can't hope more than I already am. I can't give up and give in any better. We are raw and vulnerable. We have, I really do believe, fallen into HIS arms. 

But we still have to wait and see. God, we do believe, just help our unbelief. 

Your kingdom come. Your will be done...on earth as it is in heaven.  

HE will fix her. 

#teamhealandseal

On a boat with Jesus...

There is a story in the bible where Jesus calms a storm. It's a really neat story about the power and awesomeness of God. My favorite part of the story though is that Jesus was sleeping while all hell was breaking loose in and around the boat. The disciples, the 12 people Jesus hand picked, freaked out. Go read it...

When we go to church on a Sunday, when we sit with our small group, or when we have fancy coffee with our friends we tend talk all about how we always know Jesus is in control. We talk really good about "giving things to God" and praying and all that. Truth be told in those settings, I bet we kinda laugh at the disciples for freaking out on that boat. 

I'm guilty. I'm guilty of rolling my eyes sometimes at the weak faithed and broken people I come across. Oh them of little faith. I'm guilty of laughing at Peter for sinking in the water. Dude, it's Jesus, he's got you. I'm guilty of being over confident because after all...I'm a chaplain by trade, work at a company called Alpha Omega, worked for a church, have lots of bibles, 94.9 is a preset station in both cars, I knew about and read Jen Hatmaker well before any of you, and WE HAVE A CROSS WALL IN OUR HOUSE! I'm pretty freaking awesome. 

Last Saturday night I felt like a disciple on the boat though. I freaked out. My wife was in pain beyond belief and I couldn't make it stop. I got scared. I got pissed because Jesus was in the back of the boat sleeping and he obviously didn't care about my wife and family. Didn't matter how many Max Lucado books I had read or Crowder songs I had listened too...there in that moment...my faith-meter bottomed out like a disciple on a boat in a storm. 

I won't lie, I didn't run to wake him up. I didn't really know what to do. I curled up in the corner scared, almost believing he didn't care what happened to us. 

Right now its storming outside as I type...Stacey has had 3 surgeries in last 15 days. She's asleep right now, very comfortable. We are hoping and praying that this incision will heal and seal in the next few days. That's really all we can do. We have run to the back of the boat to shake Jesus and ask, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"

Again, it's all we can do at this point. Hope and wait. 

I am a proud boat disciple who's scared and honest. Fear and doubt are real. We need to be a little more honest about that in our churches and circles. I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like you can't be scared and be a disciple. You can be, I promise. I'll show you 12 really good examples. 

This storm may or may not be over for us. I have no idea what happens next, just that I'm on a boat with Jesus. 

And I'm still kinda scared...

#teamhealandseal

That time we had surgery. Twice.

It's 6am the morning after Stacey's 2nd surgery, this one to repair a leak in her incision. I am curled up in a chair not really meant for sleeping, so why not blog?

We found out in January this surgery was going to take place. At the time it was elective and so we decided to wait until June. We wanted to get through school, kindergarten graduation, and other fun stuff, then tackle Chiari. 

Chiari...google it. Basically her brain was compressed against her skull and spinal cord causing some severe headaches, etc. I won't go into detail, but she had a procedure last week to correct the compression. Surgery went well the first time. Then it started leaking spinal fluid when we got home and we went back in for repair surgery. She's doing better now and recovery is underway...again. 

She's honestly amazing. She's going through hell and making me laugh. She's holding my hand way more than I hold hers. She's had two surgeries, lots of pain meds, eaten a ton of not good hospital food, and she still looks beautiful in her little hospital gown. I don't know how she does it. 

Me? Idk. I try my best to hold her hand and shut up. After all, silence is better than bullshit and she has the 3 inch incision down the back of her head, not me. I try to be big and strong and all that. Then she falls asleep and I cry a little. Okay, a lot. I tell God I'm mad at him. Like really mad. I keep trying to tell him we get it...whatever "it" is...and he can go elsewhere now. I even have a list of people for him if he just asks me.  

(Yes, my theology is a load of crap in this season of suffering. I'm okay with it and I'm pretty sure he is as well.)

I just get frustrated and feel more helpless everyday. I've learned a ton about myself in the last six months. Two things stand out...1) waiting sucks and I'm not good at it and 2) I'm not good at not being in control. 

We basically hit pause on life until June 11th. Everything was about getting there. At first it wasn't so bad, but it progressively wore us down. Things became items on a check-list and the more we checked, the closer it meant surgery was. I think over the last week we attempted to stop checking off items in order to not have to do follow through with all of this. Waiting sucks. It messes people up I think. 

And it's not that I really love control (who doesn't though?), it is more that I'm comfortable in control. See problem, fix problem. Hear story, empathize with story. I'm good at it. My gift is presence. Reading a room and reacting as pastor is natural to me. It's almost robotic at times, emotions are left out and you do what you do. This is different, this is the other side. The side with a full plate of emotions and no control. 

For six months both at home and in other places I've simply been out of control. Literally I've had no control. I can't trade places with Stacey. I can't make the hurt go away. I can't take the second surgery since she took the first. I can't keep her going here and be home with my girls. Hell, I can't even get my dogs fed. There is just a lot of can'ts. I can't, I can't, I can't. I just stand and grasp and never touch anything. I feel utterly useless and suspended in a weird place. It is torture. 

I'd love to tell you about the moment God made me feel better because he made me remember that he's in control, but it hasn't really happened yet. I have no amazing story of bright lights or inspired moments in scripture. Just a couple of tired and broken souls trying to put one foot in front of the other. 

I know he is in control. Promise. I make a living on faith and hope. I know all the right answers and I still have faith and hope...I was just blessed with some healthy doubts to go with those. I know we are going to be okay. Just today, right here, it's hard. The journey just sucks today and I want to quit and go home. We are tired. We want our life back. 

She's awake now. Hopefully we can go home soon if she's feeling up to it. She wants me to take the TV remote and watch whatever I want. 

Finally I get some control...